I need to write. It calms me.

First of all: hey followers! Long time no see! I don’t know why you followed me in the first place, but I’m sure after this you’ll realize you don’t want to follow me, and will subsequently unfollow. And that’s… okay. I ain’t mad at cha. Do ya thing boy.

Secondly… personal life time! This is a “diary” sort of thing, so TL;DR… you shouldn’t read it. Okay.

Pretty much my current stance on everything, without going into ANY detail, is that I just want to be here. With her, for her, just help her in any way possible. No matter what kind of sacrifice that means I’ll have to take, so be it. If I have to be pulled back and forth, oh well. If I have to get screamed at or whatever else, that’s okay too. If the one thing I want most this second has to be an impossibility…. I’ll just have to deal. I’ll take any blow to make sure she’s as comfortable, peaceful, safe & happy as possible. What I want? Just for her to be happy. If that means us being together again, then I’ll be glad to give us both what we want. If her being happy, or at least comfortable, is us being apart, only having me around when she needs a friend, that’s great too. Maybe I sound like a boy scout, but I truly just want what she wants. Just want her to be alive again. And I will do anything and everything in my power to make that happen. That thing I spoke of earlier… the “one thing I want most this second”?… just to hold her. Tightly, and know that no matter what, she’s safe in that moment. Nothing can harm her. I could do that for days, and not get tired of it. There’s so much going on, I understand every reaction and emotion she’ll have. And all I can do is support her. Through it all. That’s what love is. And I love this girl. More than she’ll ever know. There’s a happy ending to be had through all this. I just can’t wait til we reach that chapter.

So now we have Kony Hipsters to go along with everything else? Dude, get the fuck over yourself. “I knew about him before this 2012 trend!!” Fucking awesome bro! You’re that 1 perfect they were referring to in the video, yipee! …….. instead of having, you know, a postitive reaction because the movements going full force, just focus on how much of a better person you are cause YOU SAW IT FIRST!! YEAH! …. The fact that all these people are even finding out AT ALL is what’s important. Not that some douche bag tumblr-gangta found out about it “before it was cool”. -_- once again, get the hell over yourself.

Everything just came to head tonight. How I’ve been living my life the past year. Best part? It’s my god damn birthday, and I have to deal with this shit.

Its 5:30 a.m. on March 3rd. My 20th birthday. And why am I still up? I’ve been tossing and turning all damn night, thinking about everything. The shit I’ve been put through that I know about, and even worse… the shit I don’t know.

I’m going crazy again, and I can’t take it. And now it’s not just the fact that I don’t know if history will repeat itself. It’s that fear that’s turning into certainty, that history hasn’t fully shown itself. That I still don’t know the worst of the worst, probably never will, and that I’m living a lie. God damn it, I deserve better than that.

So if you’re reading this, you should know who you are. The worst part of being betrayed and fucked over is when you don’t even know it happened. Living that lie. And with everything I’ve been put through, that’s the last thing I deserve. So god help you, you better tell me the entire truth about EVERYTHING. No more half-truths, bullshit, and disrespect. Will the aftermath be pretty? Definitely not. But god damn it I deserve the fucking truth.